


Monsters

by hchollym



Category: Lost
Genre: Break Up, Dysfunctional Relationships, Fitting into Canon, Heartbreak, M/M, Manipulation, Mild Sexual Content, Mind Games, Non-Graphic Violence, Resentment, Self-Destruction, Slash, references to murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:02:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: Sayid is no psychologist, but even he can recognize that this is self-destructive.





	Monsters

**Author's Note:**

> This has always been my head-canon for episode 5x10 – “He’s Our You." I know that's weird, but oh well. Seriously, re-watch that episode and you may see what I mean!
> 
> All of the dialogue is directly quoted from the above mentioned episode.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, on the off-chance that anyone actually reads this.

Sayid is no psychologist, but even he can recognize that this is self-destructive.

The man pressed flush against him is a monster who preys on people’s weaknesses, exploiting them for all they are worth. Yet those thoughts mean surprisingly little to Sayid at the moment, his attention focused solely on the lips that are deceptively gentle as they kiss his neck. The long, skinny fingers caressing his back and side with feather-light touches are cold, and Sayid shivers for more than one reason. 

Ben is cold and calculating, and perhaps that’s why it’s so intoxicating to see that façade crumble when Sayid is inside him. Ben’s eyes flutter shut, his head falling back and his mouth opening in a silent cry. His heavy breathing and quiet whimpers are like a drug to Sayid, making his head feel fuzzy and disoriented. The man beneath him seems so open and raw in those moments that Sayid keeps convincing himself that this is the _real_ Ben; the one who few people have ever seen, because he rarely let’s his guard down. 

Deep down, Sayid knows that it’s a foolish notion. Ben plays games, pretending to be vulnerable and weak, but it’s all just a carefully crafted act. Ben is always in control, even – or especially – when he makes Sayid feel like he is the one with the power. 

XXXXX

Sayid is high on adrenaline, his heart pounding as he embraces the giddy, euphoric feeling that builds within. He walks into the alley to meet Ben, feeling proud and exhilarated. The other man is waiting, as he always is, and Sayid has to resist the urge to shove him up against the car nearby and fuck him senseless. The thrill of the game makes him aroused and desperate, eager to show Ben just how animalistic he can be. 

“How’d it go?” Ben asks, but he already knows the answer. It’s always the same, just with minor variations. 

“He tried to bribe me… It didn’t work,” Sayid responds, not bothering to hide the pride from his voice. He loves that he doesn’t have to hide this from Ben. Ben understands his blood lust, and he doesn’t judge him for it. In fact, he revels in it, praising Sayid like he’s a hero or a work of art. 

“Of course it didn’t,” Ben retorts with a small smile, and Sayid feels something warm unfurl in his stomach. 

“Where to now?” he asks, hoping Ben will lead him back to his hotel room before their next job, but he knows better than to specifically ask for it by now. 

“Nowhere. You’re done,” Ben states simply. Confusion swirls in Sayid’s mind. Done with what? 

“What do you mean I’m done?” He doesn’t think he likes where this is going, but he tries to quell the panic from rising in his chest. 

“We’re done. Andropov was the last one. You’ve taken care of everyone who posed a threat to your friends.” Ben’s tone is far too calm when his words are shattering Sayid’s entire world. They can’t be done; this can’t be it. They haven’t been doing this dance for long enough, and Sayid needs so much more. 

“It’s been a pleasure working with you, Sayid,” Ben says definitely, and Sayid doesn’t understand how Ben can finish this in such a pathetic way. If this is truly over, then it should be more than this. It should be dramatic with screaming and fighting or a long, drawn out explanation. Not this. Sayid feels like he’s been punched in the chest as Ben starts to walk away from him – from this. 

“So that’s it? I killed all those people for you, and now you’re just walking away?” He doesn’t care that his voice breaks. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t ashamed of the darkness inside him. Ben helped him embrace it, and he wasn’t ready to give that up yet. 

“You didn’t kill them for me, Sayid. You’re the one that asked for their names. There’s no one else in Widmore’s organization that we need to go after. Congratulations. Mission accomplished.” Ben is still infuriatingly calm, and Sayid is torn between wanting to beg him to stay and wanting to choke him to death. 

So that was it. Ben had reduced this entire thing to something simple and contrite; something meaningless. Sayid knew in his head that this meant nothing to Ben, but he had been foolish and self-destructive enough to let himself believe otherwise in his heart. 

He hadn’t imagined it when Ben had stayed with him several nights, long after the physical act was done, letting Sayid hold him and listen to his breathing. Sayid had used those moments to convince himself that this was real, but even that was all a part of Ben’s game. 

“What do I do now?” he asks, feeling broken. He has never felt more lost than he does in this moment, and the irony of that thought makes him inwardly laugh. 

“I suppose you should go live your life. You’re free, Sayid.” Ben makes it sound like a good thing, but Sayid hates it. 

XXXXX

When he sees Ben again, he feels the hurricane of emotions come flying back as if they had never left at all. Sayid feels like his heart is pounding out of his chest as he listens to Ben explain that Locke was murdered and someone is watching Hurley. He knows where this is leading, but he doesn’t want to give Ben the satisfaction of playing into his hand.

“And that’s why you’re here. You actually came all this way to suggest that I kill this man,” he says in feigned disbelief. Of course that was why Ben was here. Sayid never dared to hope for any other reason. 

“You don’t want to?” Ben asks in his knowing way, and Sayid wants to throw something at him. He has no right to make assumptions about Sayid. Even if they are right. 

“What makes you think I want to?” He knows it’s a stupid question, because Ben knows him inside and out, and that thought makes Sayid feel sick. He had actually let this man into him – so wholly and completely – and the entire thing had been a game to Ben. 

“Because, Sayid, to put it simply, you’re capable of things that most other human beings are not. Every choice you’ve made in your life, whether it was to torture or murder, it hasn’t really been a choice at all, has it? It’s in your nature; it’s what you are. You’re a killer, Sayid.” He sounds almost excited when he says it, and it makes Sayid ashamed to realize that he is still tempted to bask in the praise from Ben’s pride in him. He doesn’t want this man to know him so well; he doesn’t want this monster to understand him better than anyone else in the world. 

“I’m not what you think I am. I don’t like killing,” he says with as much conviction as possible. He doesn’t _want_ to enjoy killing. A part of him truly doesn’t like it, but another, darker part of him loves the feeling of power and control that he gets when he plays God. He idly wonders if that’s how Ben feels with his mind games. He supposed it has to be, and that’s why he keeps playing them. 

“Well then, I apologize. I was mistaken about you,” Ben responds, but Sayid knows that he doesn’t believe it. He knows Sayid too well. He knows that Sayid will do what he wants eventually. He got what he came for. Ben’s apology is ironic, because Sayid knows that he will never be sorry for the worst thing he ever did to Sayid; for making him love a monster. 

XXXXX

Sayid’s not even sure that any of this is real at first. Being stuck in the past is insane; it should be impossible, yet here he is. And ironically enough, so is Ben, albeit a younger version of him. Sayid wonders if this is his karma for all of the terrible deeds that he has done, because no matter what he does, he always ends up near Ben again. 

And it’s worse this time, because this Ben is innocent. This Ben just wants to feel like he belongs; to be loved. 

Sayid hates that he can relate to Ben’s abusive relationship with his father, because it ruins the careful wall that Sayid has built up to insist that he hates Ben. He doesn’t want to stop hating Ben or forgive him, because the alternative is too hard to deal with.

It’s ironic that Sayid doesn’t hate Ben for the major, terrible things that he’s done, because there are certainly enough of them. No, Sayid hates him for something so small in comparison that it’s ridiculous, and yet it was huge to him. 

Sayid feels sick when Ben breaks him out of his cell and they begin to run. He already knows what he’s going to do, and he hates himself for it. He may love killing, but he won’t enjoy this one. Ben is an innocent child now, and even if he wasn’t, Sayid isn’t sure that he could really enjoy killing him. 

But he _needs_ to do this. Ben is going to turn into a monster who uses and destroys everyone and everything that is unfortunate enough to land in his path. Yet Sayid would be lying if he said that revenge isn’t a motivating factor as well. He wants Ben to suffer for what he did to Sayid. He wants to break Ben for the way that Ben broke him. 

He still can’t stop himself from crying after Ben falls. This Ben didn’t actually deserve the bullet, and Sayid hates that, but he stops himself from dwelling too long. Ben taught him to embrace his darkness, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do. It doesn’t matter how much Sayid tells himself that he hates Ben, because now the other man has become a part of him, and that will never go away. 

In many ways, they were always perfectly matched. Ben is a monster, but so is Sayid.


End file.
